If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize