Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
