Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Randomize
