He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
