Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
