The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Randomize
