I like my sex mixed with concussions.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
