i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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