im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
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