well I can't set my house on fire every night
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
