I need to stop coming to work sober
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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