why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Send help, water and tortillas.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
