yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
