My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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