You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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