WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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