Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
