Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
