I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
We need a shit load of segways right now
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
