I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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