Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
