My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
4 words: hood of his car
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
