What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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