"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
