Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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