Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
