WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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