so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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