Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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