Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Randomize
