It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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