I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
