Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
