my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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