I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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