i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Randomize