i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I FOUND THE LEGS
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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