dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
