life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
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