allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
You know, be my cock's hype man.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize