Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Dicks are not precious.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
