I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
