i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
