Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
