sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
