i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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