I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
