seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
