Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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