So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
