i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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