u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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