the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
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