Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
