I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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