Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
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