I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
