I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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