Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
