Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Did I show you my penis last night?
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize