I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize