This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
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