On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
