I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
