I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
