Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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